Greatest Weight Loss Fear

JOHN

I have always lied to myself and everyone else about being comfortable in my skin. The truth is that I know more about myself now and who I have always been. I know that I was never as fat and ugly as I saw myself as a teenager and I wasn't the social outcast I believed myself to be. If you look at the girls who I hung out with in high school, and, more importantly the ones who hung around me, it becomes obvious that there was something about me, that I never saw, that girls found attractive or at least I possessed qualities that otherwise made me desirable.

My wife is the only beautiful woman I gave a chance to pierce my shell. Shell is the only one I ever allowed close enough to discover if she really wanted more. In short my wife is the only woman who has ever expressed desire for me, physical or otherwise that I wasn't just to plain self-absorbed in my llow self-image to recognze.

This, in and of itself, is not a problem for me. I love my wife deeply and have never lost my passion and desire for her, even though we both have ballooned equally over the years. I have no desire to stray or even fantasize about the possibility of another woman's desire for me.

What I have always been scared of and have taken comfort within my obese body is that I have never had to face the temptation of another woman wanting me or desiring me erotically. There may have been those who did even still, but I kept myself convinced I was fat and ugly and undesirable, so I never rnoticed. What has scared me though was if I ever lost that negative self-image, became truly confident in myself and attracted a beautiful (or even not a beauty queen type) woman to express an erotic desire for me. I have never experienced the physical desire from anyone other than my wife, and even though I am not seeking it, not having experienced it, I have always been afraid that the experience would be so exciting and feel so good that I would ail miserably, if tested.

It has been easier to remain fat, lie about being comfortable in my skin, and declare my only real desire for weight loss was to be able to shop for clothes anywhere I chose. I would resist even the idea of weight loss for health reasons because it could still lead to the same dangeous place.

As it turned out, once we completely confessed our worst fears about getting skinny, we shared the same ultimate fear. The solution became cllear: we both needed to make the dramatic chamge in our bodies together, so that our heads would never be tempted to turn.